Today marks 1 month since your arrival. It was a very hard day for mommy. This morning Daddy woke me up by coming inside the room which scared me. I was thinking about you in my dreams and right after he said, "Good morning" I sat up quickly and said, "Today Emmy is 1 month." He smiled and said, "I know, I miss her." I wanted to write you a letter, so I did. I taped it on the balloon that we had bought for you today. Daddy picked out a really nice white star just for you. I was so excited to come home and get it started. I drew your name on it and your birth date with a little note underneath that said, "Always in our hearts." On the back of the balloon was the letter I had written for you earlier. I also bought a nice little angel to add to your shelf and a beautiful candle to light for you tonight. It smells like vanilla & cream - reminds me of you. :)
Daddy was sad when he read the letter to you. He asked me to read it to him, but I didn't want to. I knew that if I were to read it all over again right after finishing writing it that I would break down and I didn't want that. It was hard enough you weren't here with us. I didn't want to cry all over again. I'm staying strong for you. We took pictures together with you and of your balloons. I even remembered to make a video of everything we said or did so that way when we look back we can see the difference from now til then. Every month on your birthday anniversary we are going to let out a balloon with a letter to you on each one. We went outside and daddy filmed me as I said a little message to you and let them go. It was kinda hard for me to let it go because it reminded me of letting you go. My heart sank in as your balloons floated away. I stood there watching, smiling and filming it as they drifted away. I know you would of loved the balloon and message mommy made for you. Your brother came out and watched with me, then he went in. I didn't want to leave... I guess I was wishing that somehow I would be able to see you as you caught them :) I know you were watching me as I gave you the balloons. I miss you Ellena, so much! It's really hard because today at this time I remember waiting anxiously to go see you. You were sent right away to the NICU and I was told I was allowed to see you once I recovered. It only took me 5 hours to hurry up and get better because all I wanted was to be with you. I didn't want to wait in my room 2 floors away from you. I even remembered asking daddy who did you look like and if he saw you open your eyes. I never got to see your beautiful eyes. Not once and it tears me up inside even now regretting and wishing I did. I wished I would of forced myself to get better faster so I can see you.
I know days will get easier but it's really hard to imagine moving on in life without you, my sweet Emery. Your beautiful presence here on earth has touched everyone's lives one way or another. Thank you for bringing us closer together as a family. I'm blessed to have had you for my daughter. My sweet angel, never forget that mommy loves you.
Love always,
Mommy xoxo
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