My sweet angel is 3 months today!

Time sure does fly! I can't believe it's been 3 months since I last saw you and held you. 3 months ago today I gave birth to you, my perfect baby girl. I got to see how beautiful you are and finally hold you. Today we would of made you a little cake to celebrate how big you are getting. :) I know you are up there in heaven having fun with all your new friends. Time does heal. I'm no longer angry, I'm not sad anymore and I want to thank you for giving me the strength to go on. If you asked me 3 months ago today if I would be sad, I couldn't answer that. I didn't know where I'd be at, or how I'd feel now. Looking back and thinking of that comparing to where I am at today, I can honestly tell you how much stronger this whole experience has been to me. I've learned alot and changed for the better. I'd like to thank my beautiful daughter, Emery, for opening up my eyes and allowing my heart to open more to the acceptance of her absence. I love you, always. 

This is a beautiful poem my sister wrote just for you. I loved it and every word was true. 

When I was born, I had ten little fingers and ten little toes.
Everything had a place and was placed where it goes.
I have a mommy and a daddy who loved me with great care,
Two sisters and a brother- family who was always there.
There was a problem- my heart was a little weak,
God asked me it it were okay to be this way before I could speak.
'You will be able to meet your parents and family,
But you won't be able to spend much time there before called back to Me.
I need you here, dear Emery, for reasons I shall not explain
But you will touch the hearts of those you meet, never the same again.'
I thought for a while and marveled at the very idea,
That my time would be brief then consumed with grief, yet I said,
'My mommy named me Emery? Is that what daddy chose for me?'
He smiled a sweet smile and said,'- it's decided then,
You'll have a few months in waiting, a few days meeting then back to heaven.'

I was made, crafted by His loving, warm hands.
I slept in mommy's belly while she dealt with life's demands.
'Don't worry mommy,' I would remind her, writing the words in her tummy.
When her fingers touched mine for the first time, I was very happy.
When I heard daddy's voice, I reached out, wanting to be held.
These were the same arms that hugged, rocked my siblings to sleep.
Safety in daddy's arms and mommy's love- enduring promises to keep.
Each day, I treasured their voices and their touch.
There never was a doubt in me that I loved them very much.
Sister was very lively and yet always gentle with me,
Brother was a little scared getting used to a new baby,
I was very proud to have a beautiful family.
My heart ached a bit because I couldn't stay here long,
I thought I could change my mind if my will were strong.

When I was born, I fought every inch of the way,
I tried my best, being put to the test, for two long days.'Emery, you made a promise to me: you would return when called. You can't have your way.
Don't you see how much pain you'll be in if I chose to let you stay?'
'I love them, please, I want to do right-'
'Then you'll have to come little Emery, this is not the way to be.'
I looked to the doctor explaining to my mom and dad,
That they were doing the best they could with all that they had.
I had imagined they'd be happier but instead they were sad.
'Is there no other way?' I asked quietly. 'That I could make them happy?'
'I asked you if it would be okay to have a life lived this way.
It was either this or never meeting them at all-'
'No! I would never want that! I didn't know how painful it would be
To love these people who have just met me
And how painful it would be to leave.
Yet, to meet them still? I would've always agreed.'
Softly, with a kiss to each cheek,
I said goodnight and farewell to mommy and daddy.

In my dreams, I laid in their arms and dreamt warm dreams. It was a brief sleep. I was in the clouds again, watching and guiding them, Wishing I could kiss every tear, chase away all fears, And never say goodbye. There isn't a waking moment where I am not watching over my family. There are even those times in dreams where I fold up my wings And dream of kissing mommy, hugging daddy, and sleeping in their arms.

Thank you to my sister for this beautiful poem. It made me cry when I first read it, so I wanted to share with you. 

Happy 3 months Emery Ellena. Always & Forever in my heart. Time will come and go, but you'll stay with me forever. 

Love always, 

Mommy xoxo

Never too late, for Mother's Day.

x My beautiful kids - Desirey, Elias & Emery x

 My everything- Desirey, Elias & Emery. They are what completes me. I am everything with them; nothing without. My very first Mother's Day with my children, and my little sweet angel in Heaven. I love them so much and I'm very blessed to have the opportunity to be their mother. My kids are my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world.


 Sunday, May 8th was Mother's Day. It's never too late to write about it. My morning turned out good. We went to church with my family and had a beautiful service. Eldon was sick but he was able to make it, just for me. After service we went to Nana's house to eat and we even bought a little present for my sister in law, Melissa. We had a nice little visit with Eldon's family that day and then went back to my parent's house and stayed most of the day over there playing games. 

x Mommy's sweet angel - Emery Ellena x

I made this cute little necklace just for my sweet Emery. It's tradition in my culture to make ula's (necklaces) for a celebrated event. This was my very first mother's day without my lovely daughter. It was hard to not have her here, but my heart felt at ease. I knew my baby was watching over us and with us on that special day. I am very happy to be Emmy's mommy and I never regretted any second of it. I believe God chose to take her as a sign to me to show me that he loves me. You see, God only puts us through a test when he wants to show us something and learn a lesson. I truly believe that. I know now, that not everyday is promised. Cherish every moment spent as if it were your last. That's exactly what I did, on February 15, 2011 to February 17, 2011. I never took any second for granted and I've learned my lesson.

My beautiful mother, Wendy. My mom has always been there for us anytime we needed her. She is such a strong and inspirational woman that I one day hope to become. She never gave up on any of us 6 children and has always been there since day 1. I am very thankful and extremely blessed to have my mother in my life. I am so thankful to wake up every morning with tons of missed calls from my mom. LOL, it only proves I'm her favorite! We have so many memories, good and bad but regardless it never made her love me any less. Anytime I needed advice or just to vent, my mom was always there. She always stood up for me when I was weak. She always wiped away my tears when I was sad. She always yelled at me whenever I made bad decisions. I want to say thank you mom for always sticking by my side and always encouraging me to do my best in anything I do. You are my best friend and I will always have a special place in my heart for you, always. Thank you for  always helping me with my kids or anything else I need, just like she did my siblings. She is a loving woman, mom and nana and we all love her so much! I thank God for blessing us with her. Thanks for everything you do mom. Love you always.

x My beautiful mother in law, Dolores x

 This is my mother in law Dolores. She is a caring mother with a loving heart. I thank her for raising her son Eldon into the respectful, hardworking man he is today. She lives in South Carolina. Although she is far, we always think of her. She has always been the backbone throughout my husband's life. I love her for always making the best out of every situation and for giving my husband his big, kind loving heart. I have only met her once and I'm very blessed to also have her in my life. She means the world to my husband. Dolores is such a strong woman that always worked hard for her kids to try to give them everything they wanted or needed. She is also a loving grandma to all 8 grandkids.  I thank God for giving my husband a strong and loving mother who raised him to be just like her. We love you mom!



My Mother's Day was great. I spent time with my kids, I got to see my family and inlaws. I spent time with my husband and last but not least, I got to spend time with my angel. Mother's Day to me is celebrating the life of a woman who has gave birth to you, raised you, and loves you unconditionally. I'm lucky to have that in my life. I'm blessed to wake up each and everyday to spend with my kids. Because I have 3 angels. 2 that run on earth, and 1 that flys in heaven. That's the best gift I could ever ask for..... my kids.

I love you, Emery Ellena. Although you are not in my arms, you will always live in my heart.

Love always,
Mommy xoxo

A piece of my heart; sharing it with you.

x Family photo x

This day was one of the most heartbreaking times I ever had to experience. This picture was taken by our "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" Photographer Ronda Kordick. 


Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is a non profit organization that offers services to bereaved families by taking last minute beautiful photos to help them remember their last minutes with their angels to honor their legacy. 

Taking pictures of course was the last thing on my mind. I am very thankful I decided to allow their photography come into our lives and share a piece of our hearts with us, while my sweet beautiful angel was passing. I remember every moment spent in that hospital from Emery's birth leading up until her becoming an angel. I brought my own camera but I am very glad they sent Ronda to us. After seeing her work, I was crying. She made us a beautiful slideshow along with pictures and copies for each. It was so hard taking all of these pictures with her, because all I kept thinking was, "My daughter is dying...". I couldn't think clearly. It was so hard seeing my little precious angel knowing there was nothing I could do. I hated the feeling of feeling helpless while watching my daughter take her last breath here on earth. I was supposed to protect her and I couldn't do anything for her. My sweet Emery, I love you. 

x Daddy holding Emmy's feet x

This was one of the first photos taken when Ronda arrived at the NICU. Since we were notified so late about everything was happening, we didn't have time to go home and bring some of her outfits. That is one of my biggest regrets. I wished I would of brought some of her outfits from home. We weren't planning on this happening. We weren't planing on losing our daughter. The hospital once again provided us an outfit for my Emery. I hate that I never brought anything of hers with us when we visited. The hospital staff were really strict with everything we brought in or took out, it was crazy. Good thing I took my pics and videos regardless of their rules and regulations because now I have something to hold on to. For once I appreciated my "carefree" personality. (: 

x Saying Goodbye x

 This was taken when we were first told Emery wasn't going to make it. My mom was heartbroken. She was looking forward to helping take care of Em. Along with them two are my younger sisters Alexis and Katarina. Alexis was looking at Emery's heart monitor. We were told her heart had to be at a stable rate anywhere between 70-100 in order for her to be eligible for surgery. Sadly, the highest my little girl ever went was 62. It was really hard to watch her heart monitor go up and down. Every time it went up, my heart was racing hoping it would reach the maximum number allowed just so they can do surgery. I remember the loud alarm that would sound every time the number went so low and I even jumped a few times wanting to help my daughter. I didn't want to see her like that, not knowing if she was in pain or not. She was heavily sedated and that's another one of my regrets. I wasn't even sure she could hear my voice or not - the nurse told me she could. Every single time I spoke to Emery her heart monitor raised and stayed until I finished speaking. I knew my baby felt my presence. I knew she was trying to stay strong for me and it hurt to see her suffering. 

x Big sister, Desirey x

 This is one of the most beautiful photos of the session. This is a picture of my 2 daughters, Desirey & Emery. Here, she was confused by everyone taking pictures of her all at once which is why she was crying. She loved her baby sister the minute she saw her. All she wanted to do was hold her and give her kisses. Desirey is my oldest daughter who just turned 3. She has the most loving personality that will warm your heart right away. Desirey has a shy quality about her until she gets to know you a little better. I am so thankful she allowed us to surround her and swarm her with cameras and orders. Under pressure, she did pretty good and I am so happy and amazed at how her session came out in the end. Thank you my love, for spending time with us and your baby sister.

x Em holding Daddy's hand x

 Another beautiful photo of Em and her dad. I wasn't around at the time they began shooting the session and had no idea some of the ones we got back were even taken. I'm so happy and thankful for Ronda. She was a big part of this and shared a part of our Emery's lives although it was when we were saying goodbye. She had the softest hands ever! I could of held them all day long. But because of the hospital staff and their rules we weren't able to touch or hold Emery until they told us she was passing away. Of course that angered me because we spent these whole 2 days just smiling or taking pictures and now, because she wasn't going to make it they finally allowed us to touch her. I will never get over that and will always blame them for that because we've missed out on even holding her as soon as she was born because all I wanted was for them to heal her and make her better. I just miss her so much. Please watch over us, pretty girl. 


Love always, 
Mommy xoxo

International Babylost Mother's Day 2011

x A gift to myself, from Emery x

Today we recognize all the beautiful mothers. For all mothers who have lost a baby, today is our day. I want to wish all the mothers lots of warm thoughts in hopes that they find comfort today. For some mothers they are hurting; as for me I'm not. I don't want to be sad today. I have come to peace with accepting Emery's absence and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in sadness. Yes, I am still grieving but I've learned to turn the sadness and negativity into something positive. I know my angel is still here with me. The other day she gave me a sign just to remind me, when I felt like I was losing her. I was in Pahrump 2 weeks ago with my husband, my dad and my brothers. We were riding in the car and looking out the window I was thinking about her. Thinking of what she would of been like, what she would of been doing. I thought about calling my mom who was watching my other two kids just to check to see what Emery was doing. :( Overwhelmed with sadness at that moment, just at the right time her song came on. The same exact song I always listen to when I think of her. I didn't say anything while everyone was talking and I was glad nobody turned the station. I began to cry softly and smiled. Just at the right time, when I was really sad here Emery goes to do something just to cheer up mommy. I miss her so much! 

x For my sister Elizabeth (mommy of Zoe) x

I can't believe it's almost been 3 months since my beautiful girl left this earth. I know she's always with me and now she and her cousin in heaven to keep her company. Today is for you two. I love you both always and you two will always have a special place in my heart. I stay strong for you both. My lovely niece Zoe Amberlyn who passed on June 10, 2007 (which is my sister's daughter). Can't believe she'll be 4 years next month. She is a year older than my oldest daughter, Desirey, therefore making her the first grandchild. :) I'm going to think of something special to do for you both to honor your memory and keep it alive. Next month, we are taking a family vacation to Sacramento, California (where my sister lives) and we'll celebrate their memory together. Although I never met you Zoe, Auntie Tina will always love you. I know she welcomed my baby girl into heaven with open arms. Today started off good. I am so lucky to have my daughter within my reach. Anyday, anytime I know I can always see you whenever I feel down. Thank you Emery, for opening up my eyes and my heart to learn what forgiveness is and understanding acceptance. It's so hard everyday, but with God's guidance and your love I am able to remain strong. I am so thankful for the wonderful support groups I've met as they have helped me tremendously with my grief. I am a different person now, thanks to the amazing angel moms I have met. I'd like to also thank my wonderful husband for keeping me strong and always supporting me. I'd like to thank my 2 lovely kids for keeping me focused and on my toes. Without them, I'd be lost. I'd like to my parents for always keeping an open mind available whenever I needed or wanted to talk about Emery. I'd like to thank my sisters for their advice and different personalities since each of them have a unique quality about them. Also thanks to my brothers for making me smile. I love you guys and I'm very blessed to have you all in my life. 

Happy Babylost Mother's Day to all you angel moms. Smile, because our angels live in our hearts and that should give us all something beautiful to look forward to...... and that's going home to be with them one day. 

Love always, 
Mommy xoxo

Happy 2 months Emmy.

x 2nd month candle light x

Today happened so fast. I can't believe it... 

A few days ago I found out terrible news. A friend had passed away suddenly under terrible circumstances and it was so sad because I remember seeing her all the time and now she's not here. I know she is with you in heaven and I hope you welcomed her with open arms. Honestly, it feels like you are still here. Today we got your balloons and also added 1 for your cousin Zoe and for our friend. It was so hard to let them go, like it felt the day I had to let you go. 

I am so amazed at the  amount of support I have gotten and the amazing moms I have met who had so much strength. Some moms have been going on years now, living with this painful feeling and I have only felt 2 months of it. I really hate knowing you won't be here to experience and live life but I am so happy I got to meet you and hold you and kiss you. 2 days I had to cram everything that would of lasted me a lifetime. I took so many pictures today for your angelversary. I can't wait to post them. I know you are happy and that you would of loved them.

We all love & miss you pretty girl! Can't wait to see you again...

Love always, 

Mommy xoxo

Emery's Story.

x Daddy holding Emery's feet x

Today I have 3 beautiful kids and 1 angel in heaven.

I wasn't planning on having any kids, but I'm glad I did. My oldest is Brionne, she's 13 and is my beautiful stepdaughter. At 19, I became pregnant with my first child, Desirey and it came as a shock. At the time, I was still young and not married. I definitely was not excited to share the news of my new found pregnancy because a few weeks earlier my older sister had a miscarriage. I didn't want to share the happiest news of my life on one of the saddest days of our lives. Her dad was surprised and at first didn't believe me when I told him the news. After confirming it, he was really happy and began to call his family and tell them. He has a daughter from a previous relationship but rarely sees her because she lives with her mother in another state. So he was really excited when he found out because he wasn't planning on having any kids either because of his relationship with his daughter. I on the other hand, didn't want to tell my family right away. I felt bad because at the time my sister was at her worst, I was not there for her. Only now, that I know and actually feel her pain she felt at her time of her loss. My sister now is very supportive of me and I only wished I was the same back then  for her. I love you sis, always! :)

Desirey Tifaimoana was born on March 9th, 2008 at 2:01pm. Making it our first child together. She was the most perfect baby girl. She had little chinky eyes just like her dad and alot of hair, just like me! I was so overwhelmed with every emotion and just holding Desi for the first time changed my life. I knew when the moment I saw her, I wanted to be a mother. I didn't know if I were any good at it but I knew that I wanted to try. Desirey is very unique and has a beautiful loving personality, just like her dad. She is our very first child. After her, I didn't want anymore only because I knew the part I was missing in my life was finally filled. I had a child. Desi is the most loving little girl with a caring heart. Raising her and watching her grow everyday learning something new amazes me. I'll always be thankful that God blessed me with the gift of motherhood. Knowing I had her, I knew my life was complete.

Our son, Elias Nauta was born on June 30, 2009 at 12:06am. I definitely was shocked when I learned I was pregnant again. My husband was also but then said he's always wanted a few more kids so that Desirey wasn't alone. What was more exciting I agreed, but would only want one more and  that's it for me lol. Desi was a handful and all I could think of is what my next baby would be like... "Would baby be more active than her? Would he be calmer than her? What if it was a "he"?" Just a million thoughts racing through my mind. A few months into the pregnancy, we found out we were expecting a boy. We've been wanting one because we already had a girl. When we did the ultrasound and they told us it was a boy, we didn't want to jinx it. We left the hospital dying to call our family and tell them, but didn't at first. My husband (Eldon) was so anxious to tell his mom, specially because he's been wanting a son so bad because he already had 2 girls. Since his sister was the only one to have all the boys on their side, he felt on top of the world. It was the cutest thing. The only problem we really had with our son, was agreeing on a name.

The main issue was that Eldon wanted to name our son after him. Eldon is already a Jr, named after his dad. But the thing about that was his dad was never really in his life, so to me I didn't want our son carrying a name that really to me didn't mean anything. His dad was never in his life, so why should I have to name our son after his Grandpa? I didn't like that and we fought about it (not serious, playful). A few family members questioned it, but it wasn't their life or decision. I stood my grounds because it's not a tradition to me but not only that, I wanted our son to be independent and have his own name. The only memories Eldon recalls of his father were mostly negative. So, we finally came to an agreement. I came up with the name Elias through a baby name book. I loved the sound of it, and never heard it before. I also liked how it had an "EL" that matched his dad. I'm glad I chose it because to this day, everyone loves it. Everyone was satisfied, specially Eldon. :) :)

Our little family was complete. Now that we had our boy and girl, we were set. Or so I thought. ;) Then came our next baby..... our beautiful angel, Emery Ellena. 

Emery definitely wasn't planned and after we found out we were excited....mostly anxious to find out what we were having since we had a boy and a girl already she was our little tie breaker. Man, I miss her so much. We found out I was 25 weeks and that same day we were told I was expecting a little girl. We had everything we needed for her from Desirey. I was so excited to name her. I didn't know what to name her and was thinking of it beginning with a "D" to match her older sister. There weren't too many names I liked with the letter besides Delilah but it looked like the name was very common everytime I watched tv or the news lol. It was either a D or an E to match both my kids. I thought about Nevaeh but last minute I changed my mind. I'm very glad I did.

Emery Ellena was born on February 15, 2011 at 12:33pm. 


On Valentine's Day, I was sent to a high risk heart doctor. The nurse noticed right away something was wrong so she called in another nurse to double check the ultrasound to make sure what she was seeing was right. At that moment, I knew something was wrong. My heart was racing and the only thing I could think of was... "Is she ok?" Which soon enough I would get my answer when they called in the doctor right away. After a few minutes of them reviewing the screen and talking amongst themselves they finally broke the news to me - My daughter had an abnormality on the right side of her heart causing her lung to not develop properly. If they induced right away the sooner they can try to fix the problem. Of course that's not the type of feeling any parent should have to ever feel.
I was scheduled to go into the hospital later that night to induce. I went home first to change and get my hospital bag ready. Looking at all of Emery's things just made me smile and think, "Well next time I come home, I'll have my baby in my arms." I was wrong.

I arrived at the hospital already 5 cm dilated. After settling down in my room all I could think of is her. Labor was really slow for me. Now that I think about it, I wish it would of lasted forever. If I knew that today, my daughter wouldn't be with us, I would of taken back me wanting to hurry and deliver her so I could hold her. As selfish as it sounded, I didn't want to let her go. No parents does, really. I went from 5cm to 7cm anywhere from 4 to 5 hours. The nurse checked me and I was 8cm next thing you know I went from 8 to 10cm in 5 seconds. Time to deliver the baby! Emery was delivered at 12:33pm. I didn't get to hold her right away which was another thing I regretted. She had her own NICU team off to the side awaiting her arrival. As soon as she was born, my doctor handed her to her own special doctors. I'm very thankful for my sister Kat for being there during my labor and delivery. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have first minute pictures of my beautiful angel. I cherish them and always will. 

My beautiful Emery only lived 2 days. Those 2 days were the hardest I've ever had to go through in my life. She had absent pulmonary valve syndrome. Meaning her heart was enlarged on one side causing her lung to not grow properly and made it very hard for her to breathe on her own. She wasn't responding to any of the medicines or treatments the doctors tried. I'm not going to go in detail about it all, just know that our daughter was a very brave and strong fighter for those 2 days. She never gave up, her body did. I will always remember every minute we spent together and will never let her memory fade my mind. I know she is in heaven now, playing with her cousin Zoe (my sister's daughter lost through miscarriage) and I'm happy. I've made my peace with it. I don't need a reason to be angry with God or anyone period. Keeping her memory alive is honoring my daughter. That's exactly what I'm going to do. 

Always & Forever. We love you pretty girl. Kiss Zoe for me my love. See you again one day. 

Love, 
Mommy xoxo

It's been 1 month since you left us...

Dear Emery,
Today marks 1 month since your arrival. It was a very hard day for mommy. This morning Daddy woke me up by coming inside the room which scared me. I was thinking about you in my dreams and right after he said, "Good morning" I sat up quickly and said, "Today Emmy is 1 month." He smiled and said, "I know, I miss her." I wanted to write you a letter, so I did. I taped it on the balloon that we had bought for you today. Daddy picked out a really nice white star just for you. I was so excited to come home and get it started. I drew your name on it and your birth date with a little note underneath that said, "Always in our hearts." On the back of the balloon was the letter I had written for you earlier. I also bought a nice little angel to add to your shelf and a beautiful candle to light for you tonight. It smells like vanilla & cream - reminds me of you. :)


Daddy was sad when he read the letter to you. He asked me to read it to him, but I didn't want to. I knew that if I were to read it all over again right after finishing writing it that I would break down and I didn't want that. It was hard enough you weren't here with us. I didn't want to cry all over again. I'm staying strong for you. We took pictures together with you and of your balloons. I even remembered to make a video of everything we said or did so that way when we look back we can see the difference from now til then. Every month on your birthday anniversary we are going to let out a balloon with a letter to you on each one. We went outside and daddy filmed me as I said a little message to you and let them go. It was kinda hard for me to let it go because it reminded me of letting you go. My heart sank in as your balloons floated away. I stood there watching, smiling and filming it as they drifted away. I know you would of loved the balloon and message mommy made for you. Your brother came out and watched with me, then he went in. I didn't want to leave... I guess I was wishing that somehow I would be able to see you as you caught them :) I know you were watching me as I gave you the balloons. I miss you Ellena, so much! It's really hard because today at this time I remember waiting anxiously to go see you. You were sent right away to the NICU and I was told I was allowed to see you once I recovered. It only took me 5 hours to hurry up and get better because all I wanted was to be with you. I didn't want to wait in my room 2 floors away from you. I even remembered asking daddy who did you look like and if he saw you open your eyes. I never got to see your beautiful eyes. Not once and it tears me up inside even now regretting and wishing I did. I wished I would of forced myself to get better faster so I can see you.


I know days will get easier but it's really hard to imagine moving on in life without you, my sweet Emery. Your beautiful presence here on earth has touched everyone's lives one way or another. Thank  you for bringing us closer together as a family. I'm blessed to have had you for my daughter. My sweet angel, never forget that mommy loves you.

Love always,
Mommy xoxo