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| x Daddy holding Emery's feet x |
Today I have 3 beautiful kids and 1 angel in heaven.
I wasn't planning on having any kids, but I'm glad I did. My oldest is Brionne, she's 13 and is my beautiful stepdaughter. At 19, I became pregnant with my first child, Desirey and it came as a shock. At the time, I was still young and not married. I definitely was not excited to share the news of my new found pregnancy because a few weeks earlier my older sister had a miscarriage. I didn't want to share the happiest news of my life on one of the saddest days of our lives. Her dad was surprised and at first didn't believe me when I told him the news. After confirming it, he was really happy and began to call his family and tell them. He has a daughter from a previous relationship but rarely sees her because she lives with her mother in another state. So he was really excited when he found out because he wasn't planning on having any kids either because of his relationship with his daughter. I on the other hand, didn't want to tell my family right away. I felt bad because at the time my sister was at her worst, I was not there for her. Only now, that I know and actually feel her pain she felt at her time of her loss. My sister now is very supportive of me and I only wished I was the same back then for her. I love you sis, always! :)
Desirey Tifaimoana was born on March 9th, 2008 at 2:01pm. Making it our first child together. She was the most perfect baby girl. She had little chinky eyes just like her dad and alot of hair, just like me! I was so overwhelmed with every emotion and just holding Desi for the first time changed my life. I knew when the moment I saw her, I wanted to be a mother. I didn't know if I were any good at it but I knew that I wanted to try. Desirey is very unique and has a beautiful loving personality, just like her dad. She is our very first child. After her, I didn't want anymore only because I knew the part I was missing in my life was finally filled. I had a child. Desi is the most loving little girl with a caring heart. Raising her and watching her grow everyday learning something new amazes me. I'll always be thankful that God blessed me with the gift of motherhood. Knowing I had her, I knew my life was complete.
Our son, Elias Nauta was born on June 30, 2009 at 12:06am. I definitely was shocked when I learned I was pregnant again. My husband was also but then said he's always wanted a few more kids so that Desirey wasn't alone. What was more exciting I agreed, but would only want one more and that's it for me lol. Desi was a handful and all I could think of is what my next baby would be like... "Would baby be more active than her? Would he be calmer than her? What if it was a "he"?" Just a million thoughts racing through my mind. A few months into the pregnancy, we found out we were expecting a boy. We've been wanting one because we already had a girl. When we did the ultrasound and they told us it was a boy, we didn't want to jinx it. We left the hospital dying to call our family and tell them, but didn't at first. My husband (Eldon) was so anxious to tell his mom, specially because he's been wanting a son so bad because he already had 2 girls. Since his sister was the only one to have all the boys on their side, he felt on top of the world. It was the cutest thing. The only problem we really had with our son, was agreeing on a name.
The main issue was that Eldon wanted to name our son after him. Eldon is already a Jr, named after his dad. But the thing about that was his dad was never really in his life, so to me I didn't want our son carrying a name that really to me didn't mean anything. His dad was never in his life, so why should I have to name our son after his Grandpa? I didn't like that and we fought about it (not serious, playful). A few family members questioned it, but it wasn't their life or decision. I stood my grounds because it's not a tradition to me but not only that, I wanted our son to be independent and have his own name. The only memories Eldon recalls of his father were mostly negative. So, we finally came to an agreement. I came up with the name Elias through a baby name book. I loved the sound of it, and never heard it before. I also liked how it had an "EL" that matched his dad. I'm glad I chose it because to this day, everyone loves it. Everyone was satisfied, specially Eldon. :) :)
Our little family was complete. Now that we had our boy and girl, we were set. Or so I thought. ;) Then came our next baby..... our beautiful angel, Emery Ellena.
Emery definitely wasn't planned and after we found out we were excited....mostly anxious to find out what we were having since we had a boy and a girl already she was our little tie breaker. Man, I miss her so much. We found out I was 25 weeks and that same day we were told I was expecting a little girl. We had everything we needed for her from Desirey. I was so excited to name her. I didn't know what to name her and was thinking of it beginning with a "D" to match her older sister. There weren't too many names I liked with the letter besides Delilah but it looked like the name was very common everytime I watched tv or the news lol. It was either a D or an E to match both my kids. I thought about Nevaeh but last minute I changed my mind. I'm very glad I did.
Emery Ellena was born on February 15, 2011 at 12:33pm.
On Valentine's Day, I was sent to a high risk heart doctor. The nurse noticed right away something was wrong so she called in another nurse to double check the ultrasound to make sure what she was seeing was right. At that moment, I knew something was wrong. My heart was racing and the only thing I could think of was... "Is she ok?" Which soon enough I would get my answer when they called in the doctor right away. After a few minutes of them reviewing the screen and talking amongst themselves they finally broke the news to me - My daughter had an abnormality on the right side of her heart causing her lung to not develop properly. If they induced right away the sooner they can try to fix the problem. Of course that's not the type of feeling any parent should have to ever feel.
I was scheduled to go into the hospital later that night to induce. I went home first to change and get my hospital bag ready. Looking at all of Emery's things just made me smile and think, "Well next time I come home, I'll have my baby in my arms." I was wrong.
I arrived at the hospital already 5 cm dilated. After settling down in my room all I could think of is her. Labor was really slow for me. Now that I think about it, I wish it would of lasted forever. If I knew that today, my daughter wouldn't be with us, I would of taken back me wanting to hurry and deliver her so I could hold her. As selfish as it sounded, I didn't want to let her go. No parents does, really. I went from 5cm to 7cm anywhere from 4 to 5 hours. The nurse checked me and I was 8cm next thing you know I went from 8 to 10cm in 5 seconds. Time to deliver the baby! Emery was delivered at 12:33pm. I didn't get to hold her right away which was another thing I regretted. She had her own NICU team off to the side awaiting her arrival. As soon as she was born, my doctor handed her to her own special doctors. I'm very thankful for my sister Kat for being there during my labor and delivery. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have first minute pictures of my beautiful angel. I cherish them and always will.
My beautiful Emery only lived 2 days. Those 2 days were the hardest I've ever had to go through in my life. She had absent pulmonary valve syndrome. Meaning her heart was enlarged on one side causing her lung to not grow properly and made it very hard for her to breathe on her own. She wasn't responding to any of the medicines or treatments the doctors tried. I'm not going to go in detail about it all, just know that our daughter was a very brave and strong fighter for those 2 days. She never gave up, her body did. I will always remember every minute we spent together and will never let her memory fade my mind. I know she is in heaven now, playing with her cousin Zoe (my sister's daughter lost through miscarriage) and I'm happy. I've made my peace with it. I don't need a reason to be angry with God or anyone period. Keeping her memory alive is honoring my daughter. That's exactly what I'm going to do.
Love,
Mommy xoxo
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